“That will not happen to us” were my Husband Kelvins words to me at our midwife appointment discussing the plans for the birth of our first beautiful daughter Evie.

Evie was in breech and at our midwife appointment, the topic of a potential C section came up in discussion (absolutely did no part of me want to have my baby by caesarean, I would rather have my down below torn to shreds than give birth via the sunroof). As the conversation progressed, the midwife mentioned that some C sections were done under general anaesthetic. We really didn’t think it would happen to us and Kelvin assured me in the appointment that he definitely didn’t think so either. Our positivity was made even more positive when Evie finally turned and faced the right way around (head down) the following week – much to my discomfort!

For my birth I made a birthing plan this was it...

‘EPIDURAL’

In big bold letters across the top of my hospital book. It’s not that I am a wimp. Ok, its because I am a wimp, I can’t even get my legs waxed – it really is that bad! I had heard horror stories about hospitals not wanting to give them out easily due to the cost so I just wanted to be totally transparent that this was my one labour demand desire.

I had a slow leak of my waters- one of them, I have no idea which one but I’m sure I was told that there are more than one set of waters, so off we went to hospital. I have to say the labour in run up to the actual birth was an incredible experience. As soon as we got into the room in which I was to give birth I requested the epidural. After having my waters manually broken, I started my labour on gas & air which was AMAZING, (not as painful as I had anticipated) followed by Pethidine –I was asking where the epidural was as I was hoping it would start to get more painful. The anaesthetist was in and out of different emergencies and seeing other patients over the next few hours and by time he got to me I was just about to start actively pushing. He administered the epidural and we carried on, the epidural didn’t work and the labour went on for another 3 hours before the midwife started to feel concerned enough to request a consultant to examine. The consultant told me that Evie was in a position in which her head was bent sideways and in her opinion there was no way she could be born naturally. GUTTED.

So off we went to theatre… As the surgeon started to make the incision to perform the C Section, I could feel everything, they tried to administer more pain relief but unfortunately this didn’t work and I was put under general anaesthetic.

I do appreciate that I am lucky that a few days later we took home a beautiful healthy baby girl, however, nothing quite prepares you for missing the birth of your first born child. Luckily we have some beautiful photos of the moment we first held her, my mum decided to stay on the side-lines with my camera and capture our special moment as recovering from the anaesthetic everything was a blur.

The first memory that I can remember was seeing Evie is 3pm (ish) in the afternoon- Evie was born 1.32am, so as you can imagine it is deeply upsetting to know I have missed the memories of over 12 hours of our daughters start to life. Kelvin also missed the delivery as he was instructed to leave the room.

I missed the transition from pregnancy -to her making her first cry (the moment I had been excitedly watching on ‘One Born Every Minute’) and because of this there is a piece of my chapter of motherhood that was then missing.

Fast forward to 2020- the year of the pandemic. I was pregnant again and much to our delight expecting another healthy girl, I was desperate to have a VBAC and had so much anxiety this time surrounding the birth, unfortunately, due to measurements of the was advised to have another Caesarian but thankfully this time I would be awake. My only request to the consultant was for it to mimic as natural a birth as possible (and boy did the team pull through with that request).

We arrived early and due to me having gestational diabetes we were sent down first for the caesarean. The team were calm, happy, chatty and I felt so relaxed. My second caesarean could not have been a more enjoyable experience. Despite my past birth trauma, I felt relaxed and really did feel the excitement and anticipation of meeting our baby. The Doctor slowly and carefully started the procedure as my husband held my hand and tried to peep in the hope of catching a glimpse of our baby girl. Music played and we chatted off and on as we got closer and closer to the moment I finally ‘gave birth’, the midwife then told us it was time. They then lowered the screen and tears filled my eyes as I saw our daughter Nellie lifted out- eyes closed, complete with cord still attached, she let out a cry and so did I. I had seen my baby be born. Such a small moment in time but something I never really got over, with me not being able to with my first born.

 The advice and lesson I have taken from this is to not necessarily get your hopes set on something in labour, anything can happen and enjoy every minute of your story. It is going to be totally different anybody else’s so always do what’s right for you and understand that everything is done for the right reasons. Successful births do happen after traumatic ones and Caesareans can be as beautiful as natural births.