Practical Ways to Prepare Your Relationship for Parenthood

Preparing for the arrival of your first child is such an exciting time! But it can also feel like there’s an awful lot to do. Among the antenatal classes, buying all the gear and nesting, one key area many couples overlook when preparing is their relationship. And I get it. If your relationship already feels wonderful and connected, it can be hard to imagine how this remarkable, joy-filled new chapter could do anything other than strengthen it. Unfortunately, the research paints a different picture, and it’s very common to experience a decline in relationship satisfaction after having children. And I want to change these findings.

So, what can you do to prepare?

When I was pregnant, my husband and I followed advice to talk about our values and dreams for parenthood—things like, how we wanted to approach challenging behaviour and what we wanted from family life. A lovely exercise to do together is to draw three columns with headings ‘What I want to leave behind’, ‘What I want to take with me’ and ‘What I want to start new’, as a way to reflect upon your upbringing. For example, you might want to leave behind a ‘good-cop-bad-cop’ parenting dynamic, you might want to take with you daily family dinners and you might want to create a new ritual for celebrating birthdays.

Whilst these conversations were interesting and valuable, unfortunately, they did very little to prepare us practically for having a newborn. Our approaches to discipline and our desire to play sports with our daughter were not exactly relevant! So, let’s get into more of the nitty-gritty of the fourth trimester instead.

What are some of the key stressors in a relationship in the early days, weeks and months of parenthood?

• Dividing home and childcare responsibilities
• Not getting enough sleep and dealing with nighttime care
• Not prioritising your rest and breaks, so it’s hard to fill up your cups
• Having less time to connect as a two
• Changes to your physical connection
• Finances!

I could talk about all of these, and more, at length (and do in my pre-baby relationship course!), but I’m going to focus on the division of labour. Why? A common disconnect for couples is feeling like their responsibilities are unfairly divided, which can lead to burnout and resentment. And sharing the load starts right now, in pregnancy.

 

Tips for Managing the Load of Parenthood, Together

• Check-in with each other about what you’re both doing to prepare for your baby’s arrival. Is there anything you can share? This could be as simple as starting a book club together (either reading the same book at the same time or different ones and reporting back). Dividing knowledge acquisition now avoids one of you becoming the default ‘expert’ and the other on the back foot.
• Streamline your household processes. Make your life as easy as possible with a newborn so you can focus on recovering, keeping a tiny human alive and bonding as a new family. What can you get delivered as a subscription (e.g. nappies, toothpaste, toilet paper etc.)? Can you automate online food deliveries? Or a frozen meal subscription? Get things set up now.
• Consider what you can outsource. If you’re able to take some responsibilities off your plate, what would that look like? Could you get a cleaner or a postpartum doula, for example? Also, think through the support network you have available to you. Can you ask a good friend or family member to offer practical support around the home? I suggest being proactive about asking for that ahead of time, so you mitigate any feelings that might arise around ‘failing’ if you need help (which, I hope it goes without saying, it isn’t - we do need that village!)
• Most importantly of all - talk through a plan for who’s responsible for what, and when (including the tasks above!) Who does what is likely to change when one or both of you return to work, it’s an ongoing conversation. Being clear on how much there is to carry between you and having a plan for how you’ll manage together, will stop you from sliding into a position where you’re overwhelmed, you keep bickering and emotional distance creeps in. To help open up and guide this discussion, you can use my fully customisable checklist of tasks and start allocating! The Ultimate Parenthood Prep includes hints, tips and discussion prompts as well.

There’s a lot more to say about the division of labour between couples in parenthood, but I hope that ticking off a few of these will minimise some of the stress and conflict that can crop up when you’re trying to juggle everything. You’ll head into the fourth trimester as a united team, armed with a plan for avoiding one of the most common relationship pitfalls! Go you!

About Ellie Baker

Ellie Baker is a couples coach and the founder of Coupld, a fun and empowering alternative to couples therapy. She supports couples in committed relationships to proactively and intentionally maintain their connection, address niggles and manage life transitions. After becoming a mum herself and experiencing the impact of parenthood on her marriage, she’s focused her work towards supporting couples to prepare for the changes ahead with The Pre-Baby Relationship Bootcamp. Ellie has been a guest on the Baby Show Live Stage.

Follow her on Instagram @coupldco or visit her website www.coupld.co for more.

Get the Ultimate Parenthood Prep: A Couple’s Checklist.